Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

I am intrigued by the term ‘Unconditional Love’. What is it, and better yet - how do I get it? I want unconditional love. You hear people say that they love someone unconditionally. What does this mean?

Achieving unconditional love is a journey that is more about your own personal and spiritual growth, than the love you think you feel for, or from, your Partner. You may already be receiving unconditional love from your Partner, but that does not mean that unconditional love is automatically reciprocal in nature. It does not mean that you are giving the same love back.

I believe that love starts unconditionally in most all situations, and then we place conditions on our love. Putting up with conditions that are not what you want is not unconditional love; it is in fact conditional love.

When you give love unconditionally it is free of limitations, free of conditions, and free from judgment. Unconditional love must start from within through self-love. We must learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves – even our own poor choices from time to time - to really love ourselves. Loving oneself is a journey of self-discovery and as you identify and accept more of your own faults, you are more able to accept those of others. You are also more likely to not only accept your faults but work to change them.

Giving of unconditional love is allowing our Partners to make choices, relive past experiences, and fall down from time to time, all the while supporting them even when we know the choice they are making is wrong. Unconditional love is giving our Partners the same love no matter what choice they make and no matter what the result. It is about allowing our Partner to be who they are, and recognize that they are learning and growing as they move through this life. So are we. It is looking beyond the circumstance and accepting the person fully as they are at that moment in time. It is not looking at your Partner as who you want them to be. Too many times we want a person to be who WE want them to be instead of who they are.

We are all (hopefully) on a mission of spiritual growth – constantly becoming better, building, and growing within. As we recognize our own faults, and work to fix them, we become more tolerant of our Partner’s faults and learn to look past them. No, tolerant is not the right word – “accepting” is a better word. Recognizing, isolating, but not accepting a fault, is a condition we place on the love we give.

I read a book some time back that explored the concept of unconditional love from one man’s perspective. From memory, the author expressed the notion that achieving unconditional love in any relationship was the ultimate goal in our lives. He did also imply that the point of most relationship breakdown was at the very point where unconditional love is most likely to be achieved! Think about this. The point of relationship breakdown is when you have the absolute opportunity to achieve unconditional love. But… most do not or we would not have the divorce/separation rates that we have today.

Why is this a point in a relationship where we have the opportunity to flourish and we fail? It is obviously the point in the relationship where we have placed the most ‘conditions’ on our love. We are at loggerheads with each other and not accepting of the other – their ways, their choices, or even their lack of. We have come through the sexual attraction, the infatuation, and the comfort phases of our relationship and now the rubber hits the road and we are challenged with the reality of each other. This is the time that we have the most conditions on our love. Are we trying to make this person into something that we want rather than accept them for who they are – faults and all? Why have we been able to look past these faults until now? Were we always hoping that they would change because we wanted them to?

I remember this author discussing the fact that the couples who devote the time and energy at this point in their relationship to really explore who they are as individuals, and find acceptance with each other, have the most opportunity to get past this point and actually achieve unconditional love. The question is really more about ourselves and how we allow the actions or choices of our Partner affect us. Is your Partner growing spiritually or in life experience or is your Partner stagnating. Are you growing personally or are you stagnating. Does their growth threaten your own feelings about yourself? Does your growth threaten their self-esteem? Why? Is it because you are not secure enough within yourself, or your Partner is not secure enough within?

When we love ourselves, when we accept ourselves including our own faults, we are more likely to accept the faults of our Partner. This is not just about faults, we need to accept all aspects of our Partner and love them for every fault, choice, and decision they make. When we don’t feel the need to condemn or compete with our Partner, but be ourselves and accept who they are, we are moving in the direction of both giving and receiving unconditional love.

I think that unconditional love is about reaching a point in a relationship where you are at your wits end - but being there is still better than not. Unconditional love is when you or your Partner are at your lowest point and you still both want and need to be there – unconditionally. Unconditional love is about love at its most critical point – the point where most would give up or not support their Partner. Unconditional love is free of conditions.