Sunday, June 26, 2005

Incarcerated Love - View From Inside

Not here to speak for himself - he is still locked up - the words to follow are from my Partner. This is his view of prison.

Incarcerated Love – A Peek Inside

If you have never been locked away – taken from the ones you love – you may never fully understand. Only through the words I am about to write do I hope to give you a glimpse into the world I’ve come to know. I’ll try my best not to repeat anything my counterpart has already said except to elaborate certain key points. I will however spill my guts to you and share with you what I wish I never knew.

“Incarcerated Love”

Who ever thought that a prisoner was even capable of love? Most people that have never even known a prisoner truly believe that a prisoner knows nothing but hatred – billing him as evil and judging us by the crimes we’ve committed.

We are people too. We make mistakes – and of course we are paying for them. We are more than our crime. We have hearts that beat and bleed that want to love and long to be loved. We are passionate, caring people – talented and ambitious - at least those of us with a hope of one day getting out of prison and leading a productive life. That’s not to say anything bad about ‘lifers’ though. We all need love and even ‘lifers’ are capable of leading a productive life from within the confines of the institution by offering their wisdom to help younger offenders adjust to the system or by being peacemakers within the prison. One thing holds true for all of us that are productive though. We all have someone on the outside that loves us or we can at least talk to or write to on a regular basis.

It’s not easy for a prisoner to fall in love with someone on the outside – especially when they have been incarcerated for a substantial amount of time. You see – the thing is – the longer we’ve been locked up the more loved ones we’ve lost. Whether those loved ones just don’t keep in touch anymore or they have passed on – it’s all the same. Out hearts still ache when our loved ones are lost. So there lies the hesitance. Should you let yourself go and throw caution to the wind? Should you open up your heart and take that chance? That’s one more person that could hurt you – that could break your heart. Then – if you do take that plunge – it’s a constant battle to maintain that relationship.

How often should you call? Although phone calls are important – how do you create a balance so that the phone bill isn’t outrageous and it doesn’t interfere with your daily routine? Most of us know from experience that it’s miserable without being able to hear your loved ones voice from time to time. So – don’t let the phone calls be a part of your daily routine. Instead – try to keep it down to once a week and write more often.

Promise Not To Tell -

Being incarcerated isn’t a cakewalk – far from it. Some of those on the bricks know this but still – there are others that just don’t understand what we deal with on a daily basis.

For most of us – especially those of us in maximum-security prisons – we see things everyday that would send most people over the edge. Hell – just this morning I was woken up for a ‘body-check’ because three people were stabbed at breakfast but one of them slipped away in the crowd. So of course the whole camp was locked down until they found him.

Think about all those things you see on the news. Imagine all that compacted into a population of about 1500 and happening on a daily basis. Stabbings, beatings, rapes, drug and gang activity, cons and head games, racial tension, and predators around every corner. The weak are forced to prove themselves just to survive the struggle that is now their life. Some are forced to fight – or fuck. Some give in for fear of their lives or bodily harm and surrender their money or even their bodies for protection. They choose to live their life under another man’s hand – broken – because they have nothing left to fight for., Some give in because they have everything to fight for. Fear kicks in. If they stab that guy what will happen to any chance of going home. A man’s future could change with one decision – and it doesn’t even have to be his.

If we told you everything we see – we’d never be able to talk about anything else. So be careful when you ask, “what’s on your mind?” You might not be ready for the answer you’ll get. It’s probably best if you let us keep the conversation to what we’ve been doing personally and things that affect you or us directly. You really don’t want to know or even need to know all the crap that goes on inside the fence.

Programs?

Don’t even get me started on the programs (or lack thereof) offered to supposedly rehabilitate the prison population. G.E.D. classes and a four week drug program – both of which the state use as a reason to line their pockets. What gives? I mean – what if you already have your G.E.D. and you’ve taken this ‘drug class’ (and I have) that doesn’t teach you anything about drug prevention. Hell – I’ve seen guys take that class as many as 5-times because they keep getting caught with ‘Dirty UA’s”. The state makes more money. What’s a guy going to learn from a class that they have already taken four times before? That money could be used to set up a class for people who want to better themselves. Only in our dreams.

There is absolutely nothing for the prisoner that yearns for a higher education – unless he either teaches himself or sends away for a correspondence course. Teaching yourself takes a bit more than talent in itself and have you checked out the prices of those correspondence courses lately? Who do you think has to pay for it? The state sure isn’t going to put out the money to see a convict better himself. It has to be within ourselves to do for ourselves. We have to make it happen if we are to make it at all. Some of us are lucky though and have that special someone in the free world that’s in our corner pushing us to succeed. We need that push. We need to know that there is someone out there that cares if we’re getting out. And when we do – they care what kind of person we’re going to be.

Mental Breakdown –

We all need someone. Adam had Eve. Romeo had Juliet and I have my one and only. We are human beings. We are very social beings. We need to love and long to be loved. Without that need – that desire – we would merely be another member of the animal kingdom scraping and scrounging – fighting for survival. That’s what we become when we are deprived of that emotional bond. We all need someone – whether it’s family, a significant other or a pen pal. We need someone that we can talk to that takes us out of this jungle. If not – we become part of it.

Imagine if you will a place that’s dark and twisted packed with people who are tormented by their own personal demons. It’s a man-made hell watched over by man and governed by still another. Each and every day is filled with shadows that block out any hope of light. You have to make your own light while constantly looking over your shoulder – wondering when the next guy’s demons are going to break loose. You only spend four hours a day outside your cell and the whole time you’re thinking, “I can’t wait to get back to my cell” because at least then you know you’re safe – as long as your cell-mate doesn’t loose his mind. If he does by chance – where will you go? What will you do when he pulls out a sharp piece of steel and says, “Fuck, fight, or die?” What would you do if you were coming back from a meal and 3 or more guys rush into your cell after you, beat you within an inch of your life and take everything you own? Be thankful you weren’t raped as well. Retaliate? You have to stand up for yourself or be deemed a punk. Once they see an easy target – they’ll just keep on shooting at you.

Then – if that’s not enough – you have to remember that prison is a subculture and what lies inside are many other sub-cultures. You have your different religious affiliations and gang affiliates. Everybody in one way or another cliques within groups as small as 3 or 4 people. It doesn’t matter what you’re in to – chances are somebody else is too and that’s who will be watching your back. Where do you belong? Where will you fit in? Sometimes that decision can be the difference between living and dying.

My situation is often difficult. I have 2 cousins that are also in this prison but I hardly ever associate with them because of the company they keep. Although I know they would help me if I needed it – I try to keep myself out of those situations. I try to keep my associations to people that are like me – seeking higher education and a balance between work, exercise and making time for their loved ones in the free world. I associate myself with people who have dreams and goals and we try to help each other keep on track and out of trouble. It wasn’t always like that – but that’s another story.

One more thing before I go that I want you to remember about us. We are people just like you. We have so many emotions and frustrations bottled up inside us. We worry about you. We are filled with so much doubt and pain. We get depressed and we’re scared. I mean – what if one day the one we love doesn’t love us back anymore? It’s a constant battle to find a balance that sustains our need for love and companionship without getting so distracted that we let our guard down and fall victim to someone else’s games. We have to stay on our toes or become prey. We’re in the jungle and we need your help to keep us from becoming part of it. When we lose that outside contact – that’s when we become institutionalized and search for comfort within.

So if you have a loved one in prison, do what you can for him. Try to lift his spirits as much as possible. Remember how hard it is for a prisoner to give his heart in the first place. If you have it – cherish it and nurture it. Don’t’ let it die.

Maybe I’ll write in more depth on a series of prison topics. Are there many people out there who would like me to do that? And, if so – what would you like to know about specifically?

Teddy – January 2003

3 Comments:

Blogger Ravenslove said...

Thank you for writing this. Today my husband and I were talking. Believe it or not how depressed and hard it was on me waiting for him. I sometimes forget how hard it is for him.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello I have someone very special in my life who repeatedly goes back and forth to jail. I love him so much but at this time I am so angry because I am struggling to umderstand why he just can not do better? He and I have gone through this love struggle for about 8 years. He would come home and within 6-8 months be gone again. So the basis of our relationship has been collect calls and letters. But through those I found a man who is kind compassionate loving giving and so hurt broken bitter and confused. At this time he has violated probation once again and by choice I have not written him. I know he needs me and I need him even when he is gone. I have spend night crying and days trying to move on but in my heart I believe we belong together. So after reading about the difficulty a person faces in prison I know that I have to continue to be their for him. Unconditionally!!!

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading this I don't feel so bad about being in love with an inmate. I mean my family thinks I'm just really crazy for doing so. But when I first starting talking 2 him I had no intentions of falling in love none whatsoever it was just something 2 do, but I guess my heart said otherwise. Because right now I've never happier in my life, I know this may sound crazy but I'm happier with someone in prison than I was with someone that was on the outside. Don't get me wrong like you said having a prison relationship is way more complicated. But once you get 2 kno that person you'll know that they are lovable after all.

9:23 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home